She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock