Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
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Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
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afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.