I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame