I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
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You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
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she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things