Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?