I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.