Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
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im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
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Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him