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gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
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