I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"