I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
a bad idea.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.