unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move