He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.