Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.