I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.