My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
This Twitter User’s Story About Meeting A Notorious Serial Killer Will Leave You Shook
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
20+ Wholesome Memes You Need In Your Life Right Now
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.