I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.