rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm