Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
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we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.