Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.