just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
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i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
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advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.