I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition