when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.