She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
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I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
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I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle