Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes