Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
Cake is only good when you eat it
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Ambien. No doubt about it.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."