You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase