Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
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If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
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Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire