We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
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If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
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I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.