I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
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So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
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By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.