Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
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He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
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I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you