Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Texas (512)

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  Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.

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  I found Cheetos.

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  (512): Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life. (512): I found Cheetos. http://tfl.nu/4vfh
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  We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth

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  (512): We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth http://tfl.nu/5znv
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  I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.

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  (512): I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd. http://tfl.nu/ry1b
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  its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after

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  (512): its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after http://tfl.nu/7p4f
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  I can dry shave vagina like a champ

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  (512): I can dry shave vagina like a champ http://tfl.nu/x1sm
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  I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?

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  (512): I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die? http://tfl.nu/tzmv
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  Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me

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  (512): Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me http://tfl.nu/ce08
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  Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens

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  (512): Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens http://tfl.nu/y87y
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  a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart

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  (512): a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart http://tfl.nu/j66q
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  I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.

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  Did it?

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  Not as such, no.

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  (806): I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes. (512): Did it? (806): Not as such, no. http://tfl.nu/c480
  Replies (37) Good night (474) Bad night (4440)
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  Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.

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  (512): Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick. http://tfl.nu/ysyl
  Replies (11) Good night (458) Bad night (3197)
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  Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.

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  (512): Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate. http://tfl.nu/mywp
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  We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.

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  (512): We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again. http://tfl.nu/4ffb
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  I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...

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  (512): I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to... http://tfl.nu/6eke
  Replies (13) Good night (454) Bad night (1689)
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  ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband

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  (512): ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband http://tfl.nu/p8hd
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