Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...