I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.