..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to