I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
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someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
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After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.