you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.