so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
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If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7