So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
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halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
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I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that