my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.