Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.