You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.