You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
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I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
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you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.