i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina