So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
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I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
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there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys