I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.