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WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
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