Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.