I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
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i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
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i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.