my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much