Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
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You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
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Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.