YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.