Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
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I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
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I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
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i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.