He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.