The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.