the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
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I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
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Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.