the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
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You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
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The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.