sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
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For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
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BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX