Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?