the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
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Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"