Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow