I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested