I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
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my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
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Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested