You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.