Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want